omg... i love him.

thompson WILL feel my wrath... MARK shud b our coach...

An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator. The blonde sighs happily and says 'TGIF', and is surprised when the man replies 'SHIT'. The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly, so she repeats it once again: 'TGIF!' and once again the man replies 'S H I T'. Finally, the blonde explains 'Sir, TGIF - Thank God it's Friday!' Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says 'S H I T - Sorry honey, it's Thursday.'

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Psalm 129." The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It read, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

10 Things You Won't Hear a Man Say
1. Let's watch Lifetime!
2. Sex is overrated.
3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.
4. Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
5. There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
6. I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
7. My hips are too big.
8. Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
9. Does this suit make me look fat?
10. I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

If the ocean was liquor and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and drink my way up. But the ocean's not liquor and I'm not a duck, so pour me a shot and let's get F*#@%D UP!!

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely There
C - Can Do
D - Damn Good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

Chinese Proverbs
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone
2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
3. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk
8. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth
9. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
11. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
12. Man who fart in church sit in own pew
13. Crowded elevator smell different to midget

A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"

A guy's walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says, 'Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?'
'Are you nuts?' she replies and walks off.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?' he asks again. 'Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?'
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts, just once for $10,000?' The woman thinks about this for a while and says, 'Hmm, $10,000? OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go to the alley and she takes off her shirt to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing, fondling, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, 'Are you gonna bite them or what?' 'Nah,' he replies. 'Costs too much!'

Omg... i loooooooove Usher i neeeed this CD! AHHH!

Watch this...

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I dont know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Verse 1]

Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do

Got me talkin' to myself askin' how I'm gon' tell you

'bout that chick on part 1 I told ya'll I was creepin' with,

creepin' with

Said she's 3 months pregnant and she's keepin' it

The first thing that came to mind was you

Second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true

Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did

How I ain't ready for no kid and bye bye to our relationship

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Verse 2]

See when this stuff goes through be tryna figure out

When, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth

Said it ain't gon' be easy

But I need to stop thinkin', contemplatin'

Be a man and get it over with (over with)

I'm ridin' in my whip

Racin' to her place

Talkin' to myself

Preparin' to tell her to her face

She open up the door and didn't want to come near me

I said why ? baby?

Please hear me

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions

[Breakdown]

This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do

To tell you, the woman I love

That I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know

I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you

this

And hopefully you'll give me another chance

This ain't about my career

This ain't about my life

It's about us

Please

[Chorus]

These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I can say

My chick on the side said she got one on the way

These are my confessions

Man I'm throwed and I don't know what to do

I guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessions

If I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all

Damn near cried when I got that phone call

I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do

But to give you part 2 of my confessions